Iceland 2022 IJ

There was this reel talking about how they know they were healing is when they no longer felt ambitious or just felt, less ambitious. 

They still have goals and a purpose. 

But, they are no longer manically trying to achieve a bunch of things.

The more at peace and calm they feel the less they felt the pressure of achievement and how it can be scary as well as a good thing. 

As long as  you have a purpose.

It reminds me of my old job, of how driven I was, how ambitious I was. Trying to learn everything as fast as possible so I could be promoted. As time went on and I was worn out by the mental fatigue of trying to figure out what else I needed to do to finally get promoted, I took a vacation. Restorative healing. Living life as I wanted to live, doing things I found great enjoyment in. Rediscovering my true purpose, what I felt like I was on this Earth to do. I was at peace. Found so much peace I no longer felt the drive of ambition and quit that job. 

My purpose I felt was to uplift communities, and to start my own. All through the lens of fashion and travel. That job wasn't serving me and was utilizing too much of my energy which could be better directed elsewhere. At my new job I brought some of that energy with me. Would I like to get paid more, yes. Am I willing to go above and beyond to get paid more or promoted, no, not really. My ambitions to climb the corporate ladder and achieve many things as fast as possible is very low. Very, very low. Which is scary, slowing down and getting off the hamster wheel while everyone else is on it feels wrong. I can't tell a manager that I honestly don't give a fuck about going above and beyond. There's not many people to consult about this because it comes with a certain amount of privilege to say I can afford to not be ambitious. 

I mean shit, can I even say it and live it while being paycheck to paycheck?

Being able to freely walk in your purpose is a luxury. I don't have that. I still have limits on mine. 

Lack of ambition can also be scary when you don't have goals. I think humans are meant to be working towards something. Some may confuse no ambition with not want to do anything. I believe you can be content and still want to strive toward something. But the manically overachieving? Not needed. The more I heal the more time I want to dedicate to things I actually give a fuck about. 

My purpose. 

My ever evolving goals that keep me in alignment with that purpose.